Why I Love My Birthday

 

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday, and it was a beautiful day of celebration and reflection. Here's the fruit (or is it cake?) of pausing to look back:

For most of my life I was convinced that my birthday should be a day to celebrate me. After all, it’s the “anniversary of my birth” as one treasured high schooler wrote on my car window.

Growing up, birthdays weren’t some spectacular production, but the day never passed without my family and friends making me feel special. There are very few birthdays I remember vividly. I do recall that when I turned 8 my parents threw me a cheerleader birthday party. For my 13^th birthday my mom surprised me with a sleepover with some of my best friends.

I had always dreamt about my 16^th birthday. Hopes of getting my license and celebrating with friends stirred in my heart. Even though my favorite color has always been bright turquoise, I wanted delicate pink décor for my sweet 16^th.

By the time I finally turned 16, life had thrown me a few curveballs. I was battling a burdened heart, but a party was in store and I was certain it would lift my spirits. I remember parts of the day in blurred images—bowling with my siblings and best friend at the time, Disneyland with a few more friends.

By the afternoon of my 16^th birthday, everyone who had planned on coming to my house for the main party bailed. It was spring break, so I’m sure they had other things going on. Still, I was hurt when I realized the dream party I’d always wanted was about to fall apart.

My mom told me she’d still decorate the house the way I had requested years before. I thought the decorations would ease the sting of everyone cancelling, but the pain was solidified by coming home to over-the-top pink streamers and balloons. A pale pink table was set with pink paper plates, pink napkins, and pink plastic utensils. Everything in the house was cleaned from corner to corner and perfectly prepared for the 5-or-so guests that never arrived.

Alone that night it suddenly all felt very empty. I wanted to drink some concoction of otherwise innocent household products because when you’re 16 and your friends cancel the day of your party, it automatically translates to, “Nobody in the world cares about me.”

Fast forward 2 years. Life had started to turn around. I still struggled with the occasional emotional rollercoaster, but for the most part things were looking up. I had started college and made incredible friends. For my 18^th birthday, three of my best friends came from all over the United States to surprise me. After that incredible weekend, I remember thinking, “I've finally made it. I'm actually happy and I have amazing friends. If I ever get sad again I'll just look back at this weekend and smile.”

Less than two weeks after they left I was dying inside again. Life felt so empty and worthless. I learned that whether my friends bail the day of or fly out to make my birthday a big deal, life can be, well, lifeless.

I pursued happiness for 18 years and it never lasted. I had to find something else to look forward to the moment my excitement faded. And even the greatest memories lose their luster over time.

If friends flying in to surprise me for the greatest weekend of my life didn't make me happy longer than a few days, then what would? I had heard that Jesus satisfies but never truly experienced Him in that way. What I didn't realize was that, though I was physically breathing, I was completely dead.

God says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). I always called myself a Christian and believed I was, but when everything else fell apart I started really seeking God as best I knew how.

In late May or early June of 2008 something changed. I don't know how exactly it happened—I wasn't even aware that I had been dead—but somehow God got a hold of my stubborn heart. I saw the world through new eyes. I fell in love with Jesus for who He is and not just what He could give me.

For once I saw the Almighty God as a loving Father rather than a harsh Judge. I started feeling compassion for the people on the road that cut me off. For the first time in my life, I recognized the gentle conviction of the Holy Spirit over the heavy condemnation in my head. The Word of God came alive and all the dots of everything I’d ever been taught about Jesus were connected. I wanted more and more of Him. I was breathing Him in, and for the first time, I was alive.

I've had 5 birthdays since then, and on every one I've remembered that I was born—a dead sinner, a hopeless rebel. But the God who loves me cared enough to rescue me and breathe life into my lungs. I still experience highs and lows—that’s life. But God has given me a purpose more rewarding than anything I could ever dream up for myself.

The Holy Spirit has sealed me as His, and on my worst day (even if it's my birthday) I can rejoice in the fact that I am truly living. And I am thankful for every breath.

Sister Love

I love my sister so much!

I left my room this morning and found this—a card and two of my favorite chocolates that she received for her birthday yesterday. She had already shared these truffles with me last night, but in the morning there were two more. The card, yet another homemade craft from her to match my personality and favorite shade of blue. The note inside says she loves and appreciates me and includes an apology for acting a little differently lately.

It was her birthday yesterday and I forgot to get her a gift before camp, so when I came home in the afternoon of her birthday I had nothing to give her. I could have written her a card, at least, telling her how much I love her, but it didn’t even cross my mind. It’s the morning after her birthday and she’s set on fixing her side of our relationship. 

My mind is blown. My heart is broken. My spirit is humbled.

How can she even consider “reconciling” her side of the relationship when I’ve been beyond lame not just this weekend, but my entire life? I’ve never loved her the right way, but she’s intent on loving me right.

I had an opportunity to speak at the “Love in the Home” workshop at winter camp, and I shared about my amazing sister. I said that she has always loved me way better than I’ve ever loved her… and I fully mean that. I talked about how she’s written me notes throughout the years encouraging me that things will get better, affirming me in the things I’m doing right, loving me even when I didn’t understand it (and certainly did not deserve it).

My sister has loved me when I’ve been a total brat, when I’ve yelled at her, when I’ve pushed her away, and when I’ve closed the door on our relationship. She's just kept on loving. A few years ago God changed my heart, and I finally desired a relationship with my sister. I started responding to her invitations and she immediately accepted me as one of her best friends.

Even though I’ve wronged her more times than I can count.

Even though I’ve insulted her and rejected her love so many times.

Even though I fail miserably at loving her back.

Even though there doesn’t seem to be anything in it for her.

Steph loves me.

I can’t remember a time she’s complained about the way I neglect her, forget to encourage her, or fail to look at things from her perspective. I have never once felt like she's nice in order to get something from me. She loves me freely because she loves me, and more importantly, because she loves Him.

I see Jesus in my sister. How many times have I offended God and wronged Him? How many times have I rejected Him? But the moment I run back to His arms, forgiveness is right there and our relationship is immediately reconciled like nothing ever happened.

Even though I’ve wronged Him more times than I can count.

Even though I’ve insulted Him and rejected His love so many times.

Even though I fail miserably at loving Him back.

Even though there doesn’t seem to be anything in it for Him.

Jesus loves me.

What an incredible God I live for. What immense love He has for me. I am humbled and broken this morning as I learn more of Jesus’ unending and unfailing love through one of the biggest blessings in my life—my beautiful, God-fearing sister.

“We love because God first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

My sister has been overwhelmed and humbled by Christ’s love; she genuinely lives it out even in our home where it is often easiest to neglect godliness. Right now I am overwhelmed and humbled by Christ’s love, and my response is immediately brokenness and love for my Savior.

I desire to love my sister the way she loves me, the way Jesus loves us. I long to love others with the love God has for them. May I respond to His ocean of love by seeking His heart every single moment until He comes.

Thankful for...Everything

Today is Thanksgiving and I’ve taken the time to point out some of the many blessings You’ve given me. It’s so exciting that You would give me so much when I deserve nothing. I’m humbled by Your love and grace—Your desire to give such great gifts to Your undeserving daughter.

I’m tempted to make a list of all the things, people, and gifts You’ve given me that I often overlook, and then tell You “Thanks” as if by mere acknowledgement of it all You’ll be glorified. But how could making a list of the things in my life that I’ve deemed as “good” be enough for You?

You desire so much more, and while I do thank You, and I do acknowledge the many blessings I enjoy yet don’t deserve—the family members You’ve given me, the mutt that’s brought so many laughs to our home, the ministry opportunities with and without the church, the love You’ve given me for the high schoolers, the godly examples You’ve put in my life, the many friendships that encourage me, the variety of talents You’ve blessed me with, the warm showers and baths I enjoy so much in the States, my own room that perfectly reflects my personality—I also cling to Your Word You’ve given (And I do thank You and praise You for Your precious Word).

In Romans 8:28, You use Paul to say that all things work together for the good of those who love You. In Romans 8:18, You say that our current sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. In Philippians 4:4, You call us to rejoice in You always. In Psalm 118:1, You say to give You thanks because You are good and Your love endures forever.

If all these Words are true, and I believe with my whole heart that they are, then I believe I have even more to be thankful for. I realize that in addition to the things in my life that I easily label as “good” (and they certainly do make me feel great), I also thank You for the things I often dismiss and the things I label as “bad.” While some of these things really are sad, frustrating, and even classified in Your Word as sin, I thank You for everything because Your Word promises that all things work together for the good of those who love You, and I do love You.

So I thank You and praise You not despite, but because of the difficulties in my life. I thank You that the dog You blessed me with also has the issues of aggression and biting and now I have to spend money and time to train her. I thank You for having me live in a home that does not always put You first, for the devastation caused by family members who do not love You, for the confusion and anxiety I often experience now that I’m done with school and trying to figure out what to do each day, for the depression I often battle, for the daily struggle to please You as I fight against my flesh and often fail, for the people who have hurt me, and for the experiences that make me miserable and reveal how weak I truly am.

I thank You for all of this, because You have allowed it, and, while I can’t always see what You’re doing, I know that You are teaching me more than I can know, refining me through the difficult processes, reminding me of my desperate need to cling to You always, humbling me through my many inadequacies, preparing me for what may come next. You are always good and worthy of praise, You will work all things together for my good, and You reveal Your glory in and through me.

As I struggle to rejoice in You always, I will take on an attitude of gratefulness. I will thank You for the traffic—You may be preventing me from speeding and crashing; You may be using it to cultivate patience; You may be providing extra time for me to spend with You; You may be doing something I can’t even comprehend. But You are good, everything You allow works for my good, and I will thank You.

I will allow You to remind me that the only reason I can rest in the hope that all things work together for my good is because of Your great love and mercy. So Jesus, more than anything You’ve given me and regardless of how it all makes me feel, I thank You for Your perfect love. Thank You for dying on the cross, being separated from the Father, enduring the wrath I deserved, and rising again so that I may come to You broken, disgusting, and dying, and so that You may make me white as snow and promise me new life. I know my words will never be enough, I know I can’t even comprehend how much You’ve done and are doing, how great You really are, and You knew it, too, when You chose to die for me.

I do acknowledge who You are, not only today but every day. I give You my life because You deserve it and so much more. Please continue to refine and use me as You deem “good,” and don’t ever stop because I don’t like how it feels or because I don’t understand. Thank You for showing me that, because of who You are, I have everything to be thankful for.

Putting Off Your Old Self

Inspired by Eddie McRae’s message “How to Battle Sin” at The Well High School Ministry on Thursday

After a study on Ephesians 4:17-32, a passage Paul writes to encourage the Christian to die to his old self and then to put on a new and righteous self, I decided to explore just how a Christian can put to death his/her old self while obviously still battling the flesh as a human being.

I was prompted by the question, when you continually fall into sin as a believer, how do you once and for all overcome it? I came up with the list below.

When I face temptation, I aim to:

·      Overwhelm myself with Christ. I try to get into a state of mind where I see how great God is and how selfish and wrong it is to disobey Him. I purposely study scriptures about His power, righteousness, and goodness. (Yes, pretty much the whole Bible works for this, but I specifically search for those attributes of God as I read, asking God to show me a glimpse of how great He is.) Once I am overwhelmed with God’s greatness, I find it increasingly easy* to desire to glorify Him rather than myself, and therefore say “no” to temptation.

*When I say easy, I don’t mean EASY easy—this is a spiritual battle and it takes strength to overcome each fight; but for me the discipline becomes easier once I’m reminded of how incredible Christ.

·      Stop all and run to Christ. The Bible says to flee from temptation and seek Christ. When I’m tempted, depending on the situation, I try to stop everything else and pray, or I run (sometimes literally) outside to talk to God and place a physical boundary between myself and whatever sin is tempting me.

·      Force myself to do good and pray until I desire Christ. Sometimes I have absolutely zero desire in my heart to listen to God, but I’ll do it anyway and pray God changes the attitude of my heart. Obeying God with a bad attitude isn’t as glorifying to Christ as a genuine desire to obey Him, but it’s a step in the right direction because it shows a heart of obedience even when it’s annoying/hard/difficult.

·      Recite Scripture. I’ve found that memorizing scripture related to the particular temptation I’m struggling with (or just temptation in general) is extremely helpful. When I hide His Word in my heart, He instructs me with Truth even when I don’t have a Bible right in front of me. I’ll take a passage and write it on my mirror, post it on sticky notes in my car, and say it to myself throughout the day.

·      Recognize God’s grace—true understanding of God’s grace doesn’t lead to the abuse of it; rather, it leads to a humbling which invokes obedience. When I think about God’s love for me—that He was willing to die and remove my sins so we could spend forever together—it becomes difficult for me to spit in His face by continuing in my sin. I deserved death, and I was going to receive death except that Christ died for me and made a way for me to have life. Wow, what wonderful incentive to glorify Him!

·      Tell a friend. Once the temptation is out in the open, it becomes more difficult to continue in it. For starters, you’ve got someone else praying for you. Also, Satan wants us to keep everything in the darkness, and by exposing it he cannot continue to get you all alone. In addition, telling a person leads to accountability—I have wonderful friends who can ask me how I’m doing with a particular issue. Just knowing I will be asked the next time I see someone adds incentive to stay focused on righteousness.

·      Praise Him. If I spend time verbalizing how wonderful God is, I tend to think less of myself and more of Him. As a result, the strength of the temptation is minimized because I’m no longer focused on it, but on my incredible God.

·      Fast and pray. If I’ve been really struggling with a particular sin and nothing seems to work, I will sometimes fast and pray. Many times I’ll fast from something related to the sin (For example, I’ve fasted from chocolate for weeks at a time because God convicted me of a dependence on getting that tasty fix every day—it may sound silly, but it was very real to me. God was clear that He wanted my whole heart and I was ignoring Him to satisfy a chocolate craving throughout the day). Other times I’ll fast from food for a day or a few days to commit myself to prayer. The act of fasting demonstrates a denying of flesh and an extra commitment to invoking the Spirit. Whatever I fast from, I dedicate myself to prayer. When I crave whatever I’m fasting, I pray. The time throughout the day that I normally spend doing whatever I’m fasting from is also spent in prayer. As a result, I am seriously praying for a greater amount of time throughout the day.

·      Maintain an eternal perspective. I try to remember that this world is so temporary. Whatever temptation I face will not last forever and it will pass. Also, the fact that I have maybe failed thousands of times before is insignificant because Christ has healed me. I have the hope of heaven. Keep in mind that it will be a struggle between flesh and spirit until my physical body literally dies, so don’t allow Satan to beat you up for any failures. Instead, hope in Christ, the cross, and the promise of perfection in heaven where there will be no more sin.

·      Test my thoughts. It’s not a sin to be tempted, but it gets tricky when you start entertaining sinful thoughts. I ask myself is this from God or is this Satan trying to trip me up? What does God’s Word say about this statement?

·      Remember I have free will. I don’t rely on any of these tricks to keep me from choosing to sin; I use them to help get my heart on track so that I choose righteousness, but I ultimately have to make the difficult decision to deny my flesh when I want something that is not of the Lord.

·      Prepare myself for future attacks. When I’m struggling with a particular sin, I wake up in the morning and admit to myself that I will likely be tempted that day. I seek to make a commitment that, no matter how strong the urge, I will not give in. I’ll say something like It’s a new day, a chance to make the right decisions. Later I will be tempted with this, as I have been every other day. Lord, I’m committing to resist the temptation I face today. I ask for your strength in this battle and reminders of Your Word as I seek to overcome this. When I mentally and spiritually prepare for the temptation, I’m not surprised when I’m faced with difficult situations and I’m more likely to stay strong.

I don’t practice any of this as perfectly as I should—I often feel like Paul in my struggle between flesh and spirit (Romans 7:14-25). However, I wanted to share what I have found beneficial in putting off my old self when a particular sin keeps eating away at me.

I’m interested to hear from you. What helps you take off the old self and keep it off?

Traveling Back to the States

I've been home for a month now and I'm still trying to adjust to American life, but I wanted to update all you faithful friends and family on my last experience in Tacna.

Many of you know that I made it home safely, but most of you don't know that I ALMOST didn't come home the day of my flight. I got really sick (again) the Tuesday before my Friday flight. I had a ton of plans for my last week in Tacna consisting mostly of letters and gifts I wanted to make and buy for my friends, but I was hardly able to do much that last week. 

Finally, on Thursday night, I got more sick than I had been in Tacna. I went to the church in Local Central for a going away party, but I never actually attended the party. A handful of people did, however, come visit me as I lay on the bathroom floor. It was there that I said goodbye to some of my dearest friends in Tacna.

As the night went on I experienced some of the worst pain of my life. Our friend and doctor, Ebel, gave me an injection that was supposed to make everything feel better. I finally went home with my Peruvian family and team, but the pain continued. We all went to bed, but at 1:30 in the morning I woke up my sister and asked her to call the doctor because I was in excruciating pain. Judith made me the tea the doctor prescribed while Stephanie searched online for a way to change my flight.  

I remember praying, "God, if you want me to stay longer in Tacna, please just tell me. I will stay if that's Your will. But if you want me to go, PLEASE touch me and heal me. You are so powerful, please have mercy on Your child." Within 45 minutes God had given me the release I needed. I told my sister and Judith that I'd let them know in the morning if I would be able to make the 26 hour trip home.

I woke up at 9am the day of my trip and announced, "I think I can do it." My team and family were thrilled, so I frantically started packing my things and finishing up notes and gifts for my Peruvian family in the 3 hours before Brian, the pastor, came to take me to the airport. Judith made me 2 plastic bags of plain rice and 1 bag of boiled chicken so I could eat mild foods throughout my journey.

I said my tearful goodbyes to friends and family and was on my way.

Because I had a 9 hour layover in Lima and was exhausted, the church arranged for a mother of a church member who now lives Lima to pick me up from the airport and allow me to rest for a few hours in her home before my flight. The 8 hours I spent with Tia Orietta became one of the most memorable points from my time in Peru.

Tia Orietta is the most loving and caring person I've ever met. Her warmth toward all people is something that has stuck with me these past few weeks. She demonstrated genuine love toward total strangers (including me). I couldn't thank her enough for her hospitality, but she assured me it was a blessing to help a sister in Christ. She also made me the best chicken soup I've ever had. :) I rested in her home for seven hours and then we prayed together and went back to the airport. She waited an hour alone for me to check in my bags and walked me to security where we hugged goodbye as if we'd known each other for years. 

Watching the way she interacted with me and others in those few 9 hours has inspired me to demonstrate Christ to all people in every situation. Tia Orietta isn't just a nice person who smiles at everyone she meets; it's as if her every encounter with other people--friend or stranger--screams, "You're valuable to God and, therefore, to me!" The way she talked to and cared for me, the way she treated our taxi drivers and the taxi drivers we walked past, the way she loved and disciplined her 9 year old daughter--it all reflected a person who values Christ and others.

I tried to use what I'd learned from Tia Orietta in my interactions with people throughout my travel home. I'm not sure how successful I was considering I couldn't verbalize things quite the way she had, but in my heart I was definitely loving the strangers I encountered.

After 26 hours of travel and little sleep, I arrived at LAX. I was finally "home!" I rushed through baggage claim and customs to find my parents waiting for me. I had a lot of things to sort out emotionally, physically and spiritually, but I could not deny God's hand upon my safe and even healthy travel back to the States.

I’ve always heard about people who live in poverty but have more joy than people who live in Orange County. It sounds so great and has made it easy for me to dismiss the poverty I hear about. Deep down inside a part of me may have believed I was helping people in poverty by neglecting to send money—that way they COULDN’T become materialistic and could only depend on the Lord for their joy.

While it may be true that in some places people have less physically but more spiritually, the lack of things cannot be pointed to as the reason for that joy. I have encountered a few people here that have few possessions and are filled with God’s joy, but I would like to announce the reality check I’ve experienced: This is a third world country—the people here have close to nothing, daily life is a struggle, and many people in Tacna (including a few members of the church) have no hope in Christ. As a result, a lot of people are depressed.

After spending a few weeks here, I didn’t know what to do with these observations. Should I try to convince the people to be content with having their water cut off for five days while I dream of a warm shower the moment I return to the States? Or should I give into the other temptation and get rid of all my money and possessions in hopes that some people will be blessed and happy in God? I’ve been trying to write this blog for two months but haven’t been able to because I didn’t have an answer…until now.

Just because people can survive with plywood walls, curtain doors, and water that only runs from 3am-7am doesn’t mean it’s easy to live with. It’s depressing to sleep on the floor with your entire family. It’s hard to wash dishes, cook, and do laundry when the water only comes sporadically throughout the day and night. Families suffer when every adult in the house works 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week. Fixing these problems won’t necessarily result in joy, and God allows people to live with little just as He allows people to live with much, but let’s not ignore the problems people face around the world in hopes of sparing them from materialism.

So when do we give and when do we trust that God is doing a work despite the hardships? Are you ready for the answer? It’s very simple—listen to God. Be sensitive to His guiding and obey. God repeatedly emphasizes how small this life is, how stupid it is to hold on to things in this life, and the eternal reward that comes from giving.

We brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. 1 Timothy 6:7

Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.   Mark 10:21b

Teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which is so unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment. Tell them to use their money to do good. They should be rich in good works and generous to those in need, always being ready to share with others. By doing this they will be storing up their treasure as a good foundation for the future so they may experience true life.  1 Timothy 6:17-19

God has shown me I need to give away everything I have every day; I need to give all of my heart and my things to God in every moment, and then allow Him to decide where to distribute it all. Some things may be mine for today and not tomorrow, some things may be garbage, and some things may be better used for others, but it’s all God’s. All I have to do is listen to His guiding in every situation and obey.

At first I was disappointed with that simple answer. It makes life more complicated because I can’t just say “20% of my income to missions, my Starbucks fund to ‘blessing’ others, and the rest for me—I earned it.” But life isn’t that clear-cut. There are times where it’s appropriate to buy a meal for a single mother raising a family of three and a huge burden is lifted, and there are times where buying that meal as a “blessing” actually insults her because it makes her feel incapable of providing for her family. This is one small reason why there is no rule to live by except to abandon everything, recognize that all of our stuff is more temporary than we can humanly understand, and then listen and obey what God asks us to do in each situation.

In all things, I am striving to remember:

It is more blessed to give than to receive.  Acts 20:35

…When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.  Luke 12:48

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The measure you give will be the measure you get back.  Luke 6:38

You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. As the Scriptures say, “They share freely and give generously to the poor. Their good deeds will be remembered forever.” For God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat. In the same way, he will provide and increase your resources and then produce a great harvest of generosity in you. Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can always be generous. And when we take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God.  2 Corinthians 9:7-11

Look what God has blessed me with!

Meet Snowball!



Apparently Judith, the lady I'm living with, has noticed my reaction to EVERY dog I see, because she brought this one home for me! This puppy belongs to two girls in the church, but Judith asked for permission to borrow it for the rest of the time I'm here so I can have a puppy. For some reason they agreed, and I now have the cutest puppy in the world to take care of until I can come home to my puppies in the States! God is SO good!!!